I could never be a housewife

I need a job.  Right out of college, as soon as I get out, I need a job.

I have been home the past couple days while my boyfriend Daniel is at work from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. and I have been bored almost every minute of the day.  After I do little things around the apartment like wash the dishes, straighten the bed, take out the trash and cleaning up, there’s nothing left to do.  I sometimes sit on our couch and stare at the television that isn’t even turned on because we don’t have cable.  I don’t care about not having cable.  While at Marist, I don’t even have a television so I occupy myself with studies.  But here, there’s not much that I can occupy myself with.

I don’t have to go into work so that’s not an option.  I brought books that I have already read so I get bored quickly with them.  All I do is sit and wait till Daniel gets home so that I have someone to talk to and distract myself with.  Honestly, I have no idea how housewives stay home all day.  Although there is the word “house” in housewife so maybe living in a house gives you a bigger space to clean and gives you more to do?  Most of them do have kids to look after and the hell if I’m having kids anytime soon.

I bought a stack of local magazines that I’m interested in working for after I come back in May and I just hope that someone will cut me a break.  I know I have the skill to write what they want me to write and at the same time, give story ideas to expand the magazine’s structure.  I know I have what it takes to be a writer and a journalist…all I need is a chance.

Graduation is only 4 months away.  Those 4 months will go by incredibly fast considering the fact that I’ll be visiting my parents in Japan in mid-March.  So that’s a month in a half in New York, then Japan for a little more than a week, then New York for another month and a half and I graduate.

…Fuck.

Is it this scary for everyone?  Or just for those who don’t have a plan?  I do have a plan but it can fall apart easily if I don’t take the right steps.  I just need for someone to give me a chance.

But I’ll tell you one thing, to whoever is reading this…I will not be a housewife.

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The Bomb is Waiting

Why?  The word that starts off any question that we may find curiosity, frustration, anger, irritation or any other emotion that attaches itself to that simple word…why?

Why is it that we tend to shy over those questions when it involves a dear friend?  Why do we turn the other way when it involves someone we love?  Is it because we care for them and don’t want to cause any harm or anger in their life?  Or is it because we are just afraid of standing up to someone we know?

Either way, we are stuck.  No one likes drama.  We bring drama into our lives no matter how much we try to avoid it.  It will slip its way in like a centipede crawls through the dirt.  It waits for you to cross its path and just when you’re in arms reach, it stings.  The pain is so great that you lose control of yourself in the process because you’re focusing on the pain only.  I don’t blame you.  But I’ll tell you one thing…I’d rather get stung by a centipede than stabbed in the back by someone that is my friend.

Luckily, I haven’t been stabbed by anyone in a long time and I am great-full.  Of course there’s been little tiffs here and there with a couple of folks but that’s normal.  Throughout the years I have seen what a person can do and how far they will go to have a certain authority over someone to make themselves feel better.  I can spot it miles away.  So I avoid it.  A situation as such could be dropped just by ignoring the situation, confronting it in a healthy way, or find another friend that won’t do this to you.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this right now.  Writing these words give me some sort of release I needed before going into work.  Life, friends, work, family–these are all like a ticking bomb waiting to blow up.  You just have to know how to defuse it before creating an explosion of catastrophe.

I Don’t Wanna Grow Up

My family just moved to Japan this past Monday and it hasn’t really sunk into my conscious mind yet.  I still feel as if they are in Hawaii waiting for me to come back in December.  Unfortunately, I won’t see them till spring break in March 2011.

As I was in the library doing my usual research of writing and witchcraft, I started to realize that I won’t be seeing my family this winter break.  This will be my first Christmas without my family…I didn’t think it would be this hard to take in.  I never realized how important these holidays are…to spend it with family.  The people you know and trust the most in your lives and I’m not going to see them on the day that is supposed to bring family together.  I don’t know if it’s just the New York cold season beginning and if I’m experiencing seasonal affective disorder…again.  I’m sure that that may be part of it but it’s not the whole issue.

As I was walking back to my dorm after being in the library for about four hours, I thought about the traditional things me and my family did on Christmas.

I remember how my dog Cocoa would think that all the presents under the Christmas tree were hers.  If I went near them, she would growl and bite my hand to assert her authority over the presents; it was ALLLLLLLLLL hers.  On Christmas morning, we would have to give Cocoa her present first, otherwise she’d be biting all of us when we try to open our presents.  I remember when I was younger how I’d count the presents that were mine.  If I had more than my brother Stephen, I would rub it in his face.  If he should have more than me, I would go up to my parents and complain while he rubbed it in my face.  I use to measure it up to their love for me…how silly.  As the years went on, I didn’t want dolls, socks, or the simple things.  I would ask for a new laptop, a Wii, or something that would definitely exceed the amount of $20.  Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy just getting candy for all I care.  What I’m realizing now is that it wasn’t about who got more or how expensive the gift was.  I think what matters most to me now that I’m realizing is dinner time.

Every Christmas, my father would cook each of us small individual chickens and stuff them with stuffing.  Kind of like a little mini turkey on Thanksgiving.  It was always delicious and cooked just right.  We would sit around the table and have conversations about what we normally talk about.  It’s just becoming more and more rare to have the whole family at the dinner table: me, my mother, father, and Stephen (Terry, my oldest brother, couldn’t be here.  He hasn’t had a holiday meal with us in a very long time).  Christmas was the only time that guaranteed all of us to be at the table, together, civil.  Who knows when we’ll all be at the dinner table together again…

This Christmas will be extremely different considering that I am spending it with my boyfriend Daniel.  At least we have in common the fact that we both won’t be having dinner with our family.  But, I suppose it’s just part of growing up.  Just because we’re getting older and may move away from our families, or in my case vise versa, doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m moving away from them in spirit.  They’ll always be a part of my life and they’ll never leave my life. I know this…

I just have to keep reminding myself.  Growing up is a harsh reality but it’s inevitable.  We just have to remember that although we may not physically be with our family, they’ll always…always…be in our lives to guide us, be proud of us, and love us.

Dear Daniel

Dear Daniel,

This is for you.

Your surroundings is what made you who you are today.  Your family that may aggravate you one or more days throughout your life are those who do not appreciate the person you are today and what you have to offer.  They don’t appreciate what you do, how hard you work, and what you’ve accomplished.  Most human beings weigh the bad more importantly from the good and overlook what we have done for them.  Please don’t let them get you down.  These are the people that are meant to make you stronger in will power.  If they complain about their lives, just think about how great your life is going now.  You have a great job, your own apartment, and a lover that will never leave you.  Don’t even give them the pleasure of taking pity on them for how sorry they feel for themselves, and don’t waste your aggravation and anger on them…It’s not worth it.

If someone says that you may be lazy or are slacking off for what ever reason, again those are the people that look at the bad things rather than the good things.  Some people put down others to validate their own importance and will continue to do that while never realizing how it affects the individual they talk down on.  Saying a statement out loud in the next room pretending to think that you won’t hear them.  When someone vanishes out of sight, they automatically think that you can’t hear them.  I know you can, and I know you did, but that doesn’t mean that anything they say about you is true because I know they’re wrong.  I have never met anyone that works as hard as you and I am so blessed to be with such a hard worker.

So remember this…

Don’t believe anyone what they say about you if they try to bring down your spirit.  Don’t pity on those who pity their own lives because they are not doing anything themselves to make it better–so in return, they look to others for comfort.  Don’t take into consideration any sarcastic phrase anyone may say about you because they are trying to validate their own words and importance to themselves.

Remember…

I love you.  I will always be by your side.  I will always help stand your ground.  And I will always and forever be your Jennifer.

I’m a Journalist

At first, I thought to be named a “Journalist” I would have to get a job at a publication such as a magazine, newspaper, journal, or anything that will get my name on print.  But that’s not true.

I soon learned that I am a journalist, right now, right here.  I am doing a capping project for my communications class that requires me to do many interviews and research for my 10 articles.  I have to email, call, and search the world wide web for information on my beloved home, Hawaii, to create a magazine of spiritual sites of Hawaii.  I have gotten a couple interviews out of the way through email which is easier on me, but I know that I will have to call some people for quotes and such, and with the six hour time difference, that is not going to be easy.  I was doing a lot of research just a few minutes ago for my articles when I just realized that I am a journalist.  I used to believe that I had to get my name on print at an actual publication to be called a journalist.  But really, I already am one.

I’m doing interviews, research, and writing stories that I believe the public will find great interest in.  I love to write where if it’s a story on a person, or a beautiful place like the Ali’i Kula Lavender farm on Maui.  Designing my magazine is difficult too since I have to take into consideration of photos to make the magazine more alluring for my readers.  Which means that I have to get approval and credit my photos to the right people otherwise, well…legal issues could come to surface.

Anyways, I just felt like writing this because this is the first time that I actually felt like a journalist and I do not want to forget this feeling.  This is what I want my life to entail–writing stories on people, places, and events that I am passionate about.  Being in New York, it’s hard to keep in touch with my friends that are back home.  But doing this project on Hawaii and its beautiful island offerings, I’m keeping home as close to me as possible, while finding sites on the different islands that I myself would like to visit some day.  I feel amazing right now as I write this knowing that I finally feel like a writer and with the skills I learn at Marist College and through personal experience, I hope that I can become a journalist in the future for a company that would love to share my words with its readers.

Cleansing and Purifying

I feel like I’m deathly ill.  I’m probably exaggerating but this is my own feeling of how physically ill I am and who’s to say that I’m wrong?  I absolutely hate it when I catch a cold but this is one of the worst colds that I have had in a long time.  I feel aches and pain all over my body and my head refuses to be able to breath normally.  Maybe there’s something more to just the physical illness…Maybe it’s deeper than that.

I got to my dorm exactly three weeks ago and I have not cleansed it.  I kept putting it off because as soon as classes started, I just had that much work to do.  I probably haven’t been taking care of myself as well as I should have and had gotten sick.  Last night, I felt possessed by something darker than just a cold.  I kept feeling as if someone or some being was in my room, watching me, not leaving me alone.  I asked it to leave like I would any entity, telling them that I do not want to see them, but that did not work.  It, man or women, just would not leave.  It hovered over me as I tried to sleep.  Sleeping was another obstacle.  I could not sleep for the life of me.  It was horrible.  I called my boyfriend, Daniel, because his voice usually soothes me and puts me to sleep but even that didn’t work as well as it normally does.  That’s when I realized, at around 2:30 in the morning, that I must cleanse and purify my room. The only solution I could think of was to ask Sedona, the store I work at back in Hawaii, to send me some sage spray since I could not burn the traditional herb–I may set off the fire alarm and people may think that I’m smoking pot (it smells like pot when you burn sage). But then I knew that it wouldn’t come for another week or so and I had to get this thing out of my room.  Finally, I remembered that I had a  little bottle of sage oil in my little collection of oils.  I knew exactly what to do.

As soon as I got home from my last class the next morning, I came back to my room and started cleansing.  I put on Pandora Internet Radio and put it on the Sleeptheif channel for soothing, calming music.  I opened the window so that the entity would have a passage to leave my room.  I grabbed my sage oil and started sprinkling it all over my room.  I could already feel my room clearing of any negative energy that may have been stuck in here–I started to feel calm.  I opened the door to give another exit for the energy to be sure that it was gone.  Then I grabbed a few more oils–Rose Haven because I love rose scent, Amethyst and Moonstone Gemscent near my bed for relaxation, Pure Clairty near my desk for when I do work, New Life to bring in positive energy, and Gingerbread for protection (I think I remember someone telling me that Gingerbread oil could be good for protection…Not sure but I went with my instincts).

And now, my room feels so much better.  I feel relaxed, no negative energy is present from what I can feel, and I feel at peace.  I now love coming back to my room.  As a final touch, I put a pentacle on my door for protection, one next to my bed, and one next to my alter.  I need all the protection I can get, there’s a lot of negative energy around Marist College and I can’t have any of it in my room.

As for my cold…well, only time, NyQuil, and lots of orange juice can get rid of that.  My friend is having a party tonight…I probably shouldn’t go considering my condition and I wouldn’t want to get anybody sick…But I would love the social interaction.  It’s 7 p.m., I have a couple hours to decide.

The Many Faces of a Smile

“Never frown, even when you’re said, because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile.”–Unknown

I’m not sure who wrote that, but that is one of the best quotes that I have ever heard.  It’s amazing how true it is.  Smiles are very distinct in a way that you can immediately tell whether if a person’s smile is for you or if it’s fake.  When you meet someone for the first time, the smile can be professional, friendly, seductive, or a realization of a deeper connection.  A person’s eyes also comes into play when you’re wondering why this particular person is smiling at you.  Smiles aren’t always good.

But when that one particular person smiles at you, the camera, or just because, you know their true emotions show right now every if they are putting on a fake smile for show.  There’s nothing I love seeing more than a smile on my boyfriend’s face knowing that I am the one that put it there.  It’s even better when he laughs.  The sound of his laughter let’s me know that I have brightened his day even if it’s just by that one little joke or one simple sentence from the heart.  The smile that he presents me reassures the love that he has for me in a way that only facial expression can really entail.  Looking deep into his eyes I know that that smile is true and our love is true.

A smile tells everything you need to know about someone.  Look into their eyes and you’ll know what their intentions are.  If they are being sincere and really honestly want to get to know you, or if they just want to play.

“Never frown, even when you’re said, because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile.”

I love this quote.  You can be in a crowded room at a friends party just having a good time with close people and you don’t even think about keeping on your smile because it comes naturally when you’re around people you love.  But among those people can be someone you’ve never met before.  And as he or she gazed across the room to see you, smiling with your beautiful insignificant, consuming smile, you can make their heart stop.  It is quite possible that with one look, with one smile, you can make their heart skip a beat or stop entirely for one second to take in your breathtaking beauty presented only through happiness.

So keep this in mind.  Smile, even when you’re sad, because someone will fall in love with you and your smile, and would want to keep that smile on your lovely face for as long as they believe possible.