Archive for the ‘ Living Love ’ Category

No Matter What I Say, It’s Wrong

Do you ever feel like every word that comes out of your mouth, it’s the wrong thing? Even if it’s just a question, it’s something you shouldn’t ask?

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for 9 months now and it’s starting to wear off. I am getting sick and tired of being 5,000 miles apart from the person I love the most. When you’re that far apart for that long from the person you love with no way of having any physical connection, all that’s left is the verbal. At first it was fine because we had a lot of things to talk about and a lot that we had to learn about each other. We were great. Sure, there were minor tiffs here and there but we got over it and moved on. But sooner or later, the tiffs turn into arguments, and the arguments turn into fights. You start yelling and cursing at each other when you don’t mean any of it but you’re just too stubborn to apologize for any of it.

Is it necessary? That’s my question. Is all this arguing necessary? They say that all couples fight and argue but there should be a limit when you say “enough.”

Any word that I say can turn into the wrong message. People end up interpreting words in a way that you had no intention of happening. And when you say that that’s not what you meant, and they say that’s what it sounded like, what do you do? Do you apologize for “sounding” wrong? Should they apologize for interpreting the message wrong? Who’s at fault?

When I get into arguments and I just want the tension to stop, I apologize for the things that I know I did wrong. He comes back with “I don’t want you to apologize, there’s no need for you to do so.” Really? If we’re arguing, isn’t there something that needs to be settled? Or do you just brush it off? Even if you are able to brush it off, that tension still remains. It didn’t go anywhere and sooner or later, it’ll come back. It always does. It has been for the past 4 months. So what do I do? I haven’t got a clue.

Mercury retrograde is a bitch.

This distance needs to go from 5,000 miles to 5 inches. Even though I’m sick of being in this situation, and we both are for that matter, all those months we’ve spent apart will go to a waste. All that pain, arguing, fighting would’ve been for nothing if we broke up. So, I stick with it. You know why? Because he tells me that everything’s going to be okay once I’m back in his arms… And I choose to believe his words. Even though I’m scared and I don’t know if the arguing will stop or continue, I’ll believe the man I love and stick by his words. I just hope he’s right.

I am not going to take your negativity New York

I just had a realization that is extremely important.

Yesterday was just about the worst day I’ve had in a long time.  As soon as I got back to my dorm at Marist, I just could not stop crying.  The thought that ran through my head was simply “I don’t belong here…Why the hell am I here???!!”  My whole life is in Hawaii and I just left it behind.  What is wrong with me?

I got to my dorm at 12 p.m. and didn’t stop crying till about 8 p.m.  I cried so much that I started to get a headache and dehydrated from all the tears.  It was like a nightmare that I just couldn’t wake up from.  I hate it here.  I’ll say it out loud, I hate New York.  I hate the mainland.  Hawaii is my home.  I know what most people say is that “why don’t you just transfer out then and stop complaining?”  Trust me, I’ve thought that same thing over and over.  But quitting school or transferring at this late of stage when I’m so close to graduation just wouldn’t look good when I go for a perspective job interview.  I just got to tough it out.  I’m sorry if my complaining is annoying but that is how I get through some days.  If it annoys you then you know what?  You don’t have to talk to me.  And that’s totally fine.

But after all the negative thoughts I’ve been having, I’ve been attracting a series of negative events such as my endless crying phase, waking up my friend just to have someone to talk to about how shitty I’m feeling, disturbing my boyfriend while he’s at work busting his ass, crying to my mother, crying to my father, and coming to no real salvation of satisfaction.

I woke up this morning, got ready, talked to my boyfriend and left for class.  While walking through the wet unpaved snowed, slippery, slushy walkway, I wondered why I didn’t see anyone around.  The campus was deserted and that’s when I realized that I have to remember to call the weather hotline.   I did so and was told my a little automatic voicemail by Marist College..” all day classes are canceled.”

Thank you so much for the “warm” welcome back home New York but you know what I realized?  Because I’ve been so negative, that is what you have been giving me is negative energy and events.  So I’ve decided.  No more negative thoughts.  Just positive.  I am not going to let you get to me New York with your cold freezing winter and unforgiving ways.  I have an amazing man, amazing friends and an amazing life waiting for me back home in Hawaii and that is all that matters to me.  I only have to deal with you for 4 more months and I will not be setting foot into your horrible winter conditions and negative energy anymore for a long, extremely long time.

I love my life in Hawaii.  I did this to myself by moving out here but at least now I know that I do not belong on the mainland.  My life, my man, my friend and my sanity will be there with all support back home.  I will not let you get to me New York.  I just have to keep in mind…

…positive thoughts and positive energy.  Guides–please help me through these last few months.

Okay…Time to sage my room to get rid of remaining negative energy and set a calm positive space.

Dear Daniel

Dear Daniel,

This is for you.

Your surroundings is what made you who you are today.  Your family that may aggravate you one or more days throughout your life are those who do not appreciate the person you are today and what you have to offer.  They don’t appreciate what you do, how hard you work, and what you’ve accomplished.  Most human beings weigh the bad more importantly from the good and overlook what we have done for them.  Please don’t let them get you down.  These are the people that are meant to make you stronger in will power.  If they complain about their lives, just think about how great your life is going now.  You have a great job, your own apartment, and a lover that will never leave you.  Don’t even give them the pleasure of taking pity on them for how sorry they feel for themselves, and don’t waste your aggravation and anger on them…It’s not worth it.

If someone says that you may be lazy or are slacking off for what ever reason, again those are the people that look at the bad things rather than the good things.  Some people put down others to validate their own importance and will continue to do that while never realizing how it affects the individual they talk down on.  Saying a statement out loud in the next room pretending to think that you won’t hear them.  When someone vanishes out of sight, they automatically think that you can’t hear them.  I know you can, and I know you did, but that doesn’t mean that anything they say about you is true because I know they’re wrong.  I have never met anyone that works as hard as you and I am so blessed to be with such a hard worker.

So remember this…

Don’t believe anyone what they say about you if they try to bring down your spirit.  Don’t pity on those who pity their own lives because they are not doing anything themselves to make it better–so in return, they look to others for comfort.  Don’t take into consideration any sarcastic phrase anyone may say about you because they are trying to validate their own words and importance to themselves.

Remember…

I love you.  I will always be by your side.  I will always help stand your ground.  And I will always and forever be your Jennifer.

The Many Faces of a Smile

“Never frown, even when you’re said, because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile.”–Unknown

I’m not sure who wrote that, but that is one of the best quotes that I have ever heard.  It’s amazing how true it is.  Smiles are very distinct in a way that you can immediately tell whether if a person’s smile is for you or if it’s fake.  When you meet someone for the first time, the smile can be professional, friendly, seductive, or a realization of a deeper connection.  A person’s eyes also comes into play when you’re wondering why this particular person is smiling at you.  Smiles aren’t always good.

But when that one particular person smiles at you, the camera, or just because, you know their true emotions show right now every if they are putting on a fake smile for show.  There’s nothing I love seeing more than a smile on my boyfriend’s face knowing that I am the one that put it there.  It’s even better when he laughs.  The sound of his laughter let’s me know that I have brightened his day even if it’s just by that one little joke or one simple sentence from the heart.  The smile that he presents me reassures the love that he has for me in a way that only facial expression can really entail.  Looking deep into his eyes I know that that smile is true and our love is true.

A smile tells everything you need to know about someone.  Look into their eyes and you’ll know what their intentions are.  If they are being sincere and really honestly want to get to know you, or if they just want to play.

“Never frown, even when you’re said, because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile.”

I love this quote.  You can be in a crowded room at a friends party just having a good time with close people and you don’t even think about keeping on your smile because it comes naturally when you’re around people you love.  But among those people can be someone you’ve never met before.  And as he or she gazed across the room to see you, smiling with your beautiful insignificant, consuming smile, you can make their heart stop.  It is quite possible that with one look, with one smile, you can make their heart skip a beat or stop entirely for one second to take in your breathtaking beauty presented only through happiness.

So keep this in mind.  Smile, even when you’re sad, because someone will fall in love with you and your smile, and would want to keep that smile on your lovely face for as long as they believe possible.

When I learned, wondered, and fell in Love

It was when I was five years old that I first learned about “Love”.  At that time, Love was merely the love that families shared for one another.  The love you have for your mother, your father, your sister, your brother, or even your pet dog, cat, bird, fish or anything that presents a beating heart.  I’ve always believed that you should treasure those you have given life to you whether if it’s through birth or through an amazing life journey that you take with another human being.  At five years old, I was naive and innocent with the many different terms of love like any young girl would be.  I knew that I loved my parents, my brothers, and my dogs.  But little did I know that others will creep in with love, most of the time disguised as lust, to tamper with your assumption of what you think and believe love represents.  This can come in the form of either a lover or a friendship. Sometimes the two even collides when you get too close to a “friend”. But at five years old, I don’t know about this.  I’m just a pure innocent little girl waiting to explore life’s riches, and what the word “Love” really meant.

As I aged into my teen years, that’s when I started to wonder about Love.  At this point, I’ve been hurt in a way where my heart became too afraid to trust another human being.  I’ve been betrayed by friends which only realized till after they have screwed me over that I was actually not a bad friend and decided that they wanted to keep me around.  Well…Sorry, I won’t put my heart through such deranged mistreatment by another person that is unconscious to what they are doing while living in the moment.  Now, the other type of Love is through a lover and I know most of you are thinking the same thing I’m thinking.  How can you believe the words that come out of the this individual and really, and I mean really believe what they’re saying.  I’ll tell you this from what I have learned so far:  If you have any, ANY doubts at all about what this person is telling you and whether or not if they mean it, they don’t.  You yourself should know instantly and with your heart and mind, there should be no doubt as to whether or not you believe what this person is telling you.  I’ve had my share of heartbreak and never believed what someone has told me and believed that they were genuine.  It was just too much of another life cycle that involved too much tears and sitting in dark rooms alone till someone brought me out of my funk.  I realized that I cannot get upset over someone that has hurt me because that was not the one that I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.  They were just another life experience that we learn from and must move on from.  It’s really as simple as that.  If you end up breaking up with the last person you dated, that is not the one you are meant to be with.  The one you are meant to be with will never EVER let you go and realize what they have at that very moment rather than after they lose you.  And that brings me to my final point of when you know you are actually in Love.

There are many different levels of falling in love and none of the stories are ever the same.  Some couples start off as friends, others start by dating for a few months, and others just fall in love at first sight.  My friend once told me that men actually believe in love at first sight more than women do because women ponder too much about a failed relationship and instantly believe that any man they date next will just turn into a complete waste of time.  So we put up boundaries and make sure that our heart doesn’t get shattered into a million pieces.  When I fell in love, it was like a ton of bricks hit me right in my heart.  I’ve only known the man for 10 days and already I knew that I was in love.  This may be crazy to some but I wouldn’t be writing about this man if he wasn’t worth my words.  He wouldn’t put up with waking up at 2 in the morning to talk to me while I’m getting ready for class. We are in a long distance relationship, him in Hawaii and me in New York.  It’s really not as bad as it seems since now we have networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter and WordPress.  We also have texting, calling and Skype so that we can actually still “see” each other.  We fell in love in the most story-book way possible, almost like it was love at first sight.  I’ve never really believed in that but now I may have to re-think the term of Love.  I found the man that I want to be with and I know this even though I’ve been dating him for about a month and a half.  We are like two crazy kids in love and doesn’t care what the world thinks.
When you fall in love…You’ll know.  There will be no doubt in your mind about what Love is when you’ve finally found it.  You may fall in love more than once but know that that was just a stepping stone to the real adventure that you will take with another individual for the rest of your life.  And that adventure will define your own meaning for the word “Love” and you will live happily ever after.

A very long goodbye

I go to school in Poughkeepsie, New York.  Poughkeepsie…What an odd name of a city.  Someone actually took the time out of their day to think up a name for this small portion of New York and they come up with that?

Anyways, it has only been about a month and two weeks since I have been seeing my boyfriend Daniel and already we are separated for three and a half months.  The night that I had to leave him without me was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do.  Never have I’ve met someone so perfect and so willing to go through a long distance relationship and when I asked him why he is okay with doing this, he said “Because I know you’ll be back.”  Not many people look at it the way Daniel does.  Many people would rather look at the small picture than the bigger picture.

Small picture–I’m in New York and he’s in Hawaii.  I’m not physically with him.

Bigger picture–I’ll be back in just three and a half months and nothing will penetrate the strong love that we have for each other.

I know what you’re thinking.  “You fell in love with someone after just a month??!!”

Yes.  I did.  And I have never been more sure in my life.  I hardly even think about my past relationships and how badly I’ve been treated because Daniel has been nothing but amazing to me.  People will say that we are just two fools in love but if being called a fool is what it takes for people to really believe that I love this man, then so be it.  I’m a fool.  I have never been more sure about anyone is such a short amount of time.  But love really does not have a time limit and the fact that I have no doubts in my mind about our long distance situation just goes to show how much I trust and love him with all my heart.  And he tells me the words that every girl wants to hear but there is only one difference that separates his sentences from the past…I believe him word for word.

The night that I left him, I wasn’t crying.  This surprised me beyond belief because a couple days before the separation, I was crying like I was 2 years old again.  But this showed me how confident I am about going away.  Of course the no-tear phase didn’t last long.  As soon as I started driving out of his drive-way, the flood arose.  I jumped out of my car, hugged him as tight as I could, and started tearing all over his shoulder.

After I left, while I was driving on the freeway, I was wondering why the world didn’t stop for us.  I just left my boyfriend to go to New York, a place where I don’t even like, and the world just keeps moving along?  The radio keeps playing it’s repeated songs over and over while I stare into the dark freeway hoping everyone would stop what they are doing to realize what has just happened.  But of course, that’s just nonsense.  The world goes on and so must we.  We will get through the thousands of miles of distance separating us physically, but spiritually and mentally I am always with him.

Me and Daniel at Cheesecake Factory