Archive for January, 2011

I am not going to take your negativity New York

I just had a realization that is extremely important.

Yesterday was just about the worst day I’ve had in a long time.  As soon as I got back to my dorm at Marist, I just could not stop crying.  The thought that ran through my head was simply “I don’t belong here…Why the hell am I here???!!”  My whole life is in Hawaii and I just left it behind.  What is wrong with me?

I got to my dorm at 12 p.m. and didn’t stop crying till about 8 p.m.  I cried so much that I started to get a headache and dehydrated from all the tears.  It was like a nightmare that I just couldn’t wake up from.  I hate it here.  I’ll say it out loud, I hate New York.  I hate the mainland.  Hawaii is my home.  I know what most people say is that “why don’t you just transfer out then and stop complaining?”  Trust me, I’ve thought that same thing over and over.  But quitting school or transferring at this late of stage when I’m so close to graduation just wouldn’t look good when I go for a perspective job interview.  I just got to tough it out.  I’m sorry if my complaining is annoying but that is how I get through some days.  If it annoys you then you know what?  You don’t have to talk to me.  And that’s totally fine.

But after all the negative thoughts I’ve been having, I’ve been attracting a series of negative events such as my endless crying phase, waking up my friend just to have someone to talk to about how shitty I’m feeling, disturbing my boyfriend while he’s at work busting his ass, crying to my mother, crying to my father, and coming to no real salvation of satisfaction.

I woke up this morning, got ready, talked to my boyfriend and left for class.  While walking through the wet unpaved snowed, slippery, slushy walkway, I wondered why I didn’t see anyone around.  The campus was deserted and that’s when I realized that I have to remember to call the weather hotline.   I did so and was told my a little automatic voicemail by Marist College..” all day classes are canceled.”

Thank you so much for the “warm” welcome back home New York but you know what I realized?  Because I’ve been so negative, that is what you have been giving me is negative energy and events.  So I’ve decided.  No more negative thoughts.  Just positive.  I am not going to let you get to me New York with your cold freezing winter and unforgiving ways.  I have an amazing man, amazing friends and an amazing life waiting for me back home in Hawaii and that is all that matters to me.  I only have to deal with you for 4 more months and I will not be setting foot into your horrible winter conditions and negative energy anymore for a long, extremely long time.

I love my life in Hawaii.  I did this to myself by moving out here but at least now I know that I do not belong on the mainland.  My life, my man, my friend and my sanity will be there with all support back home.  I will not let you get to me New York.  I just have to keep in mind…

…positive thoughts and positive energy.  Guides–please help me through these last few months.

Okay…Time to sage my room to get rid of remaining negative energy and set a calm positive space.

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I could never be a housewife

I need a job.  Right out of college, as soon as I get out, I need a job.

I have been home the past couple days while my boyfriend Daniel is at work from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. and I have been bored almost every minute of the day.  After I do little things around the apartment like wash the dishes, straighten the bed, take out the trash and cleaning up, there’s nothing left to do.  I sometimes sit on our couch and stare at the television that isn’t even turned on because we don’t have cable.  I don’t care about not having cable.  While at Marist, I don’t even have a television so I occupy myself with studies.  But here, there’s not much that I can occupy myself with.

I don’t have to go into work so that’s not an option.  I brought books that I have already read so I get bored quickly with them.  All I do is sit and wait till Daniel gets home so that I have someone to talk to and distract myself with.  Honestly, I have no idea how housewives stay home all day.  Although there is the word “house” in housewife so maybe living in a house gives you a bigger space to clean and gives you more to do?  Most of them do have kids to look after and the hell if I’m having kids anytime soon.

I bought a stack of local magazines that I’m interested in working for after I come back in May and I just hope that someone will cut me a break.  I know I have the skill to write what they want me to write and at the same time, give story ideas to expand the magazine’s structure.  I know I have what it takes to be a writer and a journalist…all I need is a chance.

Graduation is only 4 months away.  Those 4 months will go by incredibly fast considering the fact that I’ll be visiting my parents in Japan in mid-March.  So that’s a month in a half in New York, then Japan for a little more than a week, then New York for another month and a half and I graduate.

…Fuck.

Is it this scary for everyone?  Or just for those who don’t have a plan?  I do have a plan but it can fall apart easily if I don’t take the right steps.  I just need for someone to give me a chance.

But I’ll tell you one thing, to whoever is reading this…I will not be a housewife.

The Bomb is Waiting

Why?  The word that starts off any question that we may find curiosity, frustration, anger, irritation or any other emotion that attaches itself to that simple word…why?

Why is it that we tend to shy over those questions when it involves a dear friend?  Why do we turn the other way when it involves someone we love?  Is it because we care for them and don’t want to cause any harm or anger in their life?  Or is it because we are just afraid of standing up to someone we know?

Either way, we are stuck.  No one likes drama.  We bring drama into our lives no matter how much we try to avoid it.  It will slip its way in like a centipede crawls through the dirt.  It waits for you to cross its path and just when you’re in arms reach, it stings.  The pain is so great that you lose control of yourself in the process because you’re focusing on the pain only.  I don’t blame you.  But I’ll tell you one thing…I’d rather get stung by a centipede than stabbed in the back by someone that is my friend.

Luckily, I haven’t been stabbed by anyone in a long time and I am great-full.  Of course there’s been little tiffs here and there with a couple of folks but that’s normal.  Throughout the years I have seen what a person can do and how far they will go to have a certain authority over someone to make themselves feel better.  I can spot it miles away.  So I avoid it.  A situation as such could be dropped just by ignoring the situation, confronting it in a healthy way, or find another friend that won’t do this to you.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this right now.  Writing these words give me some sort of release I needed before going into work.  Life, friends, work, family–these are all like a ticking bomb waiting to blow up.  You just have to know how to defuse it before creating an explosion of catastrophe.