Archive for October, 2010

I Don’t Wanna Grow Up

My family just moved to Japan this past Monday and it hasn’t really sunk into my conscious mind yet.  I still feel as if they are in Hawaii waiting for me to come back in December.  Unfortunately, I won’t see them till spring break in March 2011.

As I was in the library doing my usual research of writing and witchcraft, I started to realize that I won’t be seeing my family this winter break.  This will be my first Christmas without my family…I didn’t think it would be this hard to take in.  I never realized how important these holidays are…to spend it with family.  The people you know and trust the most in your lives and I’m not going to see them on the day that is supposed to bring family together.  I don’t know if it’s just the New York cold season beginning and if I’m experiencing seasonal affective disorder…again.  I’m sure that that may be part of it but it’s not the whole issue.

As I was walking back to my dorm after being in the library for about four hours, I thought about the traditional things me and my family did on Christmas.

I remember how my dog Cocoa would think that all the presents under the Christmas tree were hers.  If I went near them, she would growl and bite my hand to assert her authority over the presents; it was ALLLLLLLLLL hers.  On Christmas morning, we would have to give Cocoa her present first, otherwise she’d be biting all of us when we try to open our presents.  I remember when I was younger how I’d count the presents that were mine.  If I had more than my brother Stephen, I would rub it in his face.  If he should have more than me, I would go up to my parents and complain while he rubbed it in my face.  I use to measure it up to their love for me…how silly.  As the years went on, I didn’t want dolls, socks, or the simple things.  I would ask for a new laptop, a Wii, or something that would definitely exceed the amount of $20.  Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy just getting candy for all I care.  What I’m realizing now is that it wasn’t about who got more or how expensive the gift was.  I think what matters most to me now that I’m realizing is dinner time.

Every Christmas, my father would cook each of us small individual chickens and stuff them with stuffing.  Kind of like a little mini turkey on Thanksgiving.  It was always delicious and cooked just right.  We would sit around the table and have conversations about what we normally talk about.  It’s just becoming more and more rare to have the whole family at the dinner table: me, my mother, father, and Stephen (Terry, my oldest brother, couldn’t be here.  He hasn’t had a holiday meal with us in a very long time).  Christmas was the only time that guaranteed all of us to be at the table, together, civil.  Who knows when we’ll all be at the dinner table together again…

This Christmas will be extremely different considering that I am spending it with my boyfriend Daniel.  At least we have in common the fact that we both won’t be having dinner with our family.  But, I suppose it’s just part of growing up.  Just because we’re getting older and may move away from our families, or in my case vise versa, doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m moving away from them in spirit.  They’ll always be a part of my life and they’ll never leave my life. I know this…

I just have to keep reminding myself.  Growing up is a harsh reality but it’s inevitable.  We just have to remember that although we may not physically be with our family, they’ll always…always…be in our lives to guide us, be proud of us, and love us.

Dear Daniel

Dear Daniel,

This is for you.

Your surroundings is what made you who you are today.  Your family that may aggravate you one or more days throughout your life are those who do not appreciate the person you are today and what you have to offer.  They don’t appreciate what you do, how hard you work, and what you’ve accomplished.  Most human beings weigh the bad more importantly from the good and overlook what we have done for them.  Please don’t let them get you down.  These are the people that are meant to make you stronger in will power.  If they complain about their lives, just think about how great your life is going now.  You have a great job, your own apartment, and a lover that will never leave you.  Don’t even give them the pleasure of taking pity on them for how sorry they feel for themselves, and don’t waste your aggravation and anger on them…It’s not worth it.

If someone says that you may be lazy or are slacking off for what ever reason, again those are the people that look at the bad things rather than the good things.  Some people put down others to validate their own importance and will continue to do that while never realizing how it affects the individual they talk down on.  Saying a statement out loud in the next room pretending to think that you won’t hear them.  When someone vanishes out of sight, they automatically think that you can’t hear them.  I know you can, and I know you did, but that doesn’t mean that anything they say about you is true because I know they’re wrong.  I have never met anyone that works as hard as you and I am so blessed to be with such a hard worker.

So remember this…

Don’t believe anyone what they say about you if they try to bring down your spirit.  Don’t pity on those who pity their own lives because they are not doing anything themselves to make it better–so in return, they look to others for comfort.  Don’t take into consideration any sarcastic phrase anyone may say about you because they are trying to validate their own words and importance to themselves.

Remember…

I love you.  I will always be by your side.  I will always help stand your ground.  And I will always and forever be your Jennifer.